He cares about me.

He really cares about me.

And everything that I have ever read or seen,

Tells me that I should care too,

Though I’m not sure I do.

I can tell he thinks I’m beautiful,

By the way he holds me,

And then picks me up.

By the way I catch his eye

When my hair and makeup and clothes are all

Just right.

It’s amazing to me that he thinks that.

He doesn’t see me as a piece of ass,

One that he can conquer and lay claim to.

No. To him I am a person.

It’s nice to be human

And not meat.

He doesn’t mind when I confide in him about my home life

In fact I think he enjoys it,

Because I think we both know

That is the only way we let others in.

And I trust him.

He is so good and kind and thoughtful.

People always say he is “such a nice guy”.

He is the biggest, wildest goofball

But, in real conversation, he is meek, quiet and precise.

And isn’t that what I’ve kept saying to everyone?

That I’m just looking for a nice guy?

He is ugly.

I’ll lay it out flat.

Red acne accents his cheek bones.

His chin curves an odd V.

He is extremely thin and extremely tall,

And has very dark, bushy eyebrows.

But, does that make me shallow?

Does that make me vain?

I know I’m attractive.

Don’t I have to want to kiss him?

And not recoil at the thought of touching his face?

Isn’t that the difference between friendship and more?

I like him more when he holds my waist

From behind.

That way I won’t see his face.

And I won’t see it as well when I think

Oh, god. I’m leading him on.

And then I push him away.

I don’t see his face

Because I know he already goes through too much pain.

He adores me.

And I do not deserve it.

Not in the least.

He is a hundred times the person I will ever be.

And to tell you the truth, it’s nice to be held.

I should be with him.

Just look at Beauty and the Beast.

They worked out okay, right?

But that’s just a fairytale.

I can’t help feeling

That I won’t ever be happy,

That is with him.

He is everything I want

But I somehow want none of it.

Is that what all of those sappy romantic movies have been trying to tell me?

That you don’t know what you really want?

That what you thought you wanted,

You really didn’t want at all?

If that is so, I should have listened

Much

More

Intently.